January Musing:

This pandemic has taken away a lot from us, but it gave us a lot of time to be still. And in that stillness, panandalian kong natanaw yung sarili ko.

It’s funny how we always say na “Hindi naman ako nagbago. Ako pa rin ito.” Dahil sa totoo lang, hindi lahat ng pagbabago ay nagaganap ng isang buhos. Para bang nangyari ang pagbabago in little increments na hindi napapansin (dahil patuloy lang umiikot ang mundo at umaandar ang oras). Until biglang bumagal ang galaw ng oras at mundo dahil sa pandemya. Biglang nagkaroon ng oras para mapansin ang bagay bagay na iba na pala. Gaya ng ating sarili.

Napansin mo ba?

Siguro, kung hindi nangyari ang Covid-19 pandemic, tuloy lang ako sa hindi pagpansin sa kung ano na ang nagbago sa akin. And I would still continue to use yung excuse na “Hindi naman ako nagbago; ako pa rin ito”. Hindi ako thankful because may pandemic; it took a lot of opportunities away from me. But that moment of time na pinatigil nya, nagkaroon ako ng panahon para makita ko kung gaano na ako ka-iba from that Abi 5 to 6 years ago.

The Abi that was once naive and warm, who believes in everyone’s “goodness”, a softie, madaling basahin ang mukha, at lastly, marunong magtiwala — is kind of “gone”. At this moment, when I think about it, ang masasabi ko “Who is she?”. Dahil either traces na lang or completely nothing of these ang makikita mo sa akin at first encounter.

Ngayon, these words better describe “Abi” now: cold, wounded, hurt, distrustful, malungkot, and tired.

The girl who was once full of hope and warmth, willing to trust, ready to trust has now turned to a cold, blank-staring, whatever happens happens kind of person. Harsh ba?

Maybe not entirely cold, but para akong may switch na tska lang mag-oon kpag kailangan maging warm, tska lang magkakapakialam if kailangan may pakialam. Kung dati ang hirap para sa kin na i-brush off ang bagay-bagay, it has become easy na para sa akin (although, I admit magwoworry pa rin ako for a while before brushing it off completely). Para bang sinasabi ng alter ko na ‘It’s not my problem anymore’. Ngayon lang nagkaroon ng sense yung sinasabi ng friend ko dati na “It is what it is”.

See the difference? Siguro nakakainis, lalo na if kilala mo na ako noon pa. Pero what can I do? In a way, I was jaded by life and the situations I gone through. Minsan when I try to bring that person back — nakakapgod yung effort, at tila wala na siyang pwesto sa kasalukuyan. Kung dati, para lang siyang second skin sa akin; ngayon, kailangan ko na siyang hukayin sa baul just to bring that Abi back.

Maybe I’m putting it all too harshly, or maybe I am not. But I can’t lie about it as well. I am never that same Abi today. At this very moment. And that may be the truth that others have to live with if they choose to know this Abi now.

“Baka naman deep inside, andun pa rin yung Abi na yun”. That may be a possibility. Baka nga sobra ko lang siyang binaon kasi ayaw ko maranasan yung mga nangyari kaya ganito ako ngayon. I had walls before (na maraming nakatibag pero nawala na sila ngayon), but today, they are thicker and higher than ever. These walls, they protect me. Dahil. Ayaw. Ko. Nang. Pagdaanan. Ulit. Yung. Mga. Nangyari. Noon.

Sobrang hirap.

Sobrang sakit.

And hindi ko alam if I have the strength to go through it again. Nakakapagod.

This is the only time na sasabihin ko ito outloud: I apologize to the people I met after those years. I could’ve been better.

Maybe, if you are braver to break through these walls, you’ll get to know that Abi — yung warm, masaya, marunong magtiwala, hopeful. And baka marealize (baka lang naman), that I am not that bad (then, and maybe even now). That maybe I am worth it din like everyone else. That maybe I am lovable din, through good and bad. That I am worth this small space I am occupying in this life.

Baka lang naman.

Baka lang namam, if someone dared to actually break the thick and high walls, malalaman ko rin na hindi kasinungalingan yung araw-araw kong binubulong sa sarili ko na ‘I am also worth it’.